Seeing as how I consider myself a frequent flier, mostly because when someone talks about "home cooking" I picture reheated tinfoil entrees with Styrofoam "bread" rolls, I have had ample experience in the fun-and-friendly world of airport security.
I realize that this is the time of year when people will, like birds in the winter, take flight and go south. Or at least go somewhere. And with that glorious spreading of our wings, we must also undergo the laugh-a-minute security checkpoints. I hope you can tell that my sarcasm is dripping like a first grader's nose in Antarctica.
Like most people, I relegate myself to the poking, prodding, and general invasion of bodily privacy in return for the knowledge that I will probably have a safe flight. That is, unless some whack-job comes up with a better way of killing people, like ingesting a chemical that allows him, or her (I am not sexist), to breathe fire or cry tears of searing acid.
I find it strange that you are not allowed to bring on basic liquids, while you are allowed to bring on a belt, or a pen, or a cell phone. All of these items are equally as deadly. The only thing is that they don't explode.
How many of us have seen movies where the hero uses makeshift weapons? It only takes a touch of creativity to turn anything into a lethal death-toy. Heck, what did man have before tools? His fists. Are they going to start asking you not to bring hands on board an aircraft? Will you be able to check them in your bags? If it nudges you over the miserly weight allowance will you really have to pay the fine? If you forget that you can't bring them on an airplane can you mail them to your destination or back home? I think you get the idea.
Another bit of juicy irony is that, at least in America, parading around in your birthday suit is a criminal offense, yet in airport security checkpoints ask you to remove your belt, shoes, coats, watches, toupees, etc. If you somehow manage to set off the metal detector, then they get their magic wand out and run it over your body. I'm sorry, but that is too much like the criminal offense of molesting people or physical assault. There has got to be a more decent way to search crowds for death-bringers.
Another interesting thought: they, meaning the Powers That Control The "Friendly Skies," don't want you taking weapons out of the country either. I understand accountability and how international safety is a team sport. But when it comes down to it, don't you want the bad guys and their weapons, etc, to leave? Why try to find them and keep them within your borders?
Please don't take this last statement too seriously. It's all in jest. If you actually consider what I'm saying, it's obvious that my statements are flawed. Again, it's just a joke. But back to the issue at hand...
We must not forget the advantages of this system. Firstly, it keeps the airways safe. Until the next maniac tries something. Secondly, it gives people peace of mind. Once they make it past the Judgement Day security checkpoints. Finally, it saves money on cleaning. The floor around the checkpoints have got to be some of the cleanest places in the whole airport; no one is allowed to wear shoes!
I guess, after all of this ranting about security, I truly am thankful for the wonderful surly TSA workers who stand around all day telling people what they have to take off. And trust me, there are people who go through the checkout line that you never want to see with anything less than a full-length parka on. These unsung heroes keep the planes filled with safe people; old people who snore loudly; babies who scream the entire flight; kids that kick your seat-back as you are nodding off to sleep.
Come to think of it, it truly is a miracle that there are hardly any casualties from commercial flights.
I encourage you all, despite your jet lag, blood-shot eyes, and swollen feet, to smile and thank your TSA agent the next time you go through the security checkpoint. After all, they could let bad people through if they really wanted to...
